Crimea River

President Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself,
me cousin Seán, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Putin paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Putin asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Putin sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 60,000 tanks and 50,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 1,500,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

The Boys of the Lough: General Guiness

Sure enough,
Paddy rings again the next day.
"Mr. Putin, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy,
that I have 1000 bombers
and 2000 fighter planes.
> My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 2,000,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Good mornin', Mr. Putin!
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Putin.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness,
and we decided there is no way we can feed 2,000,000 prisoners."

Diana Krall: Cry Me a River