Deep Thoughts

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Most of the time in the Middle Ages it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cavemen, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

--Jack Handey (from "Deep Thoughts")

barrel cactus, Travertine Canyon (top)
sandstone closeup, Espejo Canyon (middle)
Ulysses and the Sirens by Herbert James Draper (below)