If There Was Going To Be A Now On

And gradually it dawned on him, if a dawning can take place in total blackness, that his life had consisted of a run of rehersals for a play he had failed to take part in. And that what he needed to do from now on, if there was going to be a now on, was abandon his morbid quest for order and treat himself to a little chaos, on the grounds that while order was demonstrably no substitute for happiness, chaos might open the way to it.
--John Le Carre
(from 'The Night Manager')